||MR. BIG BIZ: Anyone in the investment community has to be impressed with Mitt Romney. He's just the best businessman
in North America. He started Bain Capital, which is one of the buyers of Clear Channel, and one of the most successful private equity firms of the past few
decades. His Mormon faith will not be an issue, because this election is going to be about the economy and what we can do to expand corporate profits. Don't worry,
he'll send medical marijuana patients to prison and keep soft drinks legal. |
||FEMINIST: Hillary will make a fine first woman President. I don't mind if Obama is her running mate, but he's still
a young kid and he needs to learn from someone who has been in the White House before. She's the most popular candidate running, plus she has the experience
and she's giving the press just enough doublespeak to make the right wing conspiracy back off.
||BRUTUS JONES: I want Bush to stop the election and stay President for at least one more term. We need to keep this war going
so that America conquers the world. I like Bush because he's what I call a real "conswervative" which is someone who swerves all over the road and calls himself
a conservative just to rope in the religious right. You see, evil can't win without Jesus freaks padding the stats.
||BOYGIRL: I'm for whichever Republican is for gay rights, and I think that would be Ron Paul. It used to be all Republicans
seemed homophobic, but now that so many have come out of the closet these past few years, I think it's safe to say that the party has moved from red to pink.
||MADAM OF THE PLANETS: The planets are lining up to illuminate John Edwards.
I believe Clinton and Obama will tear each other down in the primaries, and that John Edwards will emerge as the front-runner when the Democrats wake up that it's going to take a Southern white male to win this election,
as has been the case for the past five elections. Because all my predictions have been wrong this decade, I've learned that it's easier now just to base
predictions on patterns in history than from ambiguous astrological guesswork. |
||OLD MAN WICKER: I support John McCain simply because he's the oldest candidate running and I think the younger generation
has screwed everything up. We need a man with experience - and someone who supports Big Pharma. I oppose any candidate who tries to nationalize health care. I would
hate for that to happen. I'm not sure why, but it's gotta be wrong if everyone on Fox News is against it.|
||GURU DION: I'm for Dennis Kucinich all the way. He wants to end this phoney war and create a Department of Peace.
Plus he's likely to prosecute Bush and Cheney for war crimes and put an end to the New World Order. It's our only hope. All the other candidates are just puppets
of the NWO. It's going to be hard to bounce back from 2% in the polls but remember last time John Kerry jumped from single digits to the nomination. Then again,
he was an NWO candidate in a fixed election.|
||LEFT GUARD LARRY: My man Osama Obama is gonna win the whole thing. Ain't no doubt about it. He's admitted to using
drugs and that's gonna get him the young vote. If Jay-Z can top the music charts, that just tells me the majority of people also wanna see a brother in the White House.|
||REAGAN DEMOCRAT: Well I support Rudy Giuliani, of course, because he's the hero of 9/11. All he has to do to win this
election is keep bringing up 9/11 three times in every speech. I'm not sure what he did to become the hero of 9/11, but somehow that's the message I get from television,
so I'm gonna go along with it.|
||GOOFBALL GREG: I'm really starting to like Mike Huckabee just because I'm hearing about him a lot in the news and they say
he's leading in the polls. I like to be with the winners, so that's who I'm for. Him or Fred Thompson. I don't know anything about either of them, which I think is a good thing.
Look at Bush. No one ever heard of him before 2000 and he's turned out to be the greatest President of all time.|
||GORE SUPPORTER: I'm still hoping Al Gore will throw his hat in the ring. Now that he's won an oscar, that means he's
a great actor, and that's what it takes to be President of the United States.|