TANGENT SUNSET CLUELESS RADIO by Alex Cosper

Clueless Radio is a fictional story about an alternative station failing in ratings and sales but experiences occasional flashes of success. At one time the station had great ratings and dominated the market but a new regime with a new focus has erased the station's influence in the market. What could they be doing that is so wrong?

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Chapter 10: "Who Really Controls The Music?"

Bizz Barker read about the Spring ratings in the newspaper. Clueless fell from 2.9 to 1.2 and was beaten by virtually every FM station in the market. Even the Worm, which always ranked last, moved from 1.1 to 1.3, inching ahead of Clueless. It was kind of predictable since Clueless had three different PDs that book. For the first month it was Tim Jarz. For the second month it was Bizz and for the third month it was Jennifer. Heichman was quoted in the article as saying, "We're changing our format Friday at 5pm."

So Bizz listened for the change. At the strike of 5 o'clock, Heichman's voice came on saying, "For months you've told us that Clueless Radio sucks. We've listened to you and now we're about to change. In the daytime we'll be playing soft hits and at night we'll be playing the latest metal. Oh, and we're also getting rid of that stupid name Clueless Radio. From now on call us the Cheeseburger."

"Cheeseburger?" laughed Bizz. "That's too much." Bizz couldn't stop laughing as he headed to a local bar. At the bar he ran into Python, of all people. What transpired was like a scene from a movie, even though not even the worst B-movie could have had such a bizarre dialogue.

PYTHON: "Barker, What are you doing here?"

BIZZ (still laughing): "Just had to get a drink after I heard about the Cheeseburger."

PYTHON: "Yeah, what do you think of that?"

BIZZ (laughing harder): "What do you think? Stupidest pile of garbage I've ever heard."

PYTHON (looking bummed): "Hey, I'm not knocking it. Part of it was my idea."

BIZZ (shifting to serious): "What do you mean?"

PYTHON: "Yeah. Some corporate guy name Jack somebody wanted to make it all elevator music, but I convinced him we should at least play metal at night. I even came up with the name and he liked it. He was looking for a name that sounded mass appeal. He liked my ideas so much that he made me the new PD."

BIZZ: "That's unbelievable. What happened to Jennifer?"

PYTHON: "She quit. I think she's suing the station. Oh and guess who's getting blown out today on top of that?"

BIZZ: "Who?"

PYTHON: "Heichman. That Jack guy called me into a meeting and said he thought Heichman was a total idiot plus he had a criminal record. Then right after we changed format, Jack met with Heichman. They're blowing his ass out right now as we speak."

BIZZ: "That's pretty funny. I never liked that jerk. So who's the new GM?"

PYTHON: "I'm not sure. Right now the station is completely automated except from 9 to midnight. That's when I'm on. They're piping the rest of the station in from some other market."

BIZZ: "So why didn't they just make the whole station one format?"

PYTHON: "I don't know. I don't think that Jack guy knows what he's doing. He actually wanted to make the whole station elevator music but I begged the dude to keep my show at night after he said he needed to work new music in somehow. Some independent record promoter is supposed to help me program my show."

BIZZ (in a sour tone): "Would that be Red Rosswick?"

PYTHON: "Oh no, they lost his sorry ass just the other day. They're putting some new dude in that I don't even know. I think he works for Consolidated...oh and that's another thing. The company's changing its name to CABIN. What a stupid name."

BIZZ: "Wow. So are you going to be able to make any music decisions?"

PYTHON: "I wish, but something tells me I'm not. Jack and that indie guy seem to have it all mapped out."

Just then an old bluesman walked in with an electric guitar and started setting up to do a performance in the corner of the bar. He introduced himself to Bizz and Python as Charlie. He said he'd buy both guys a drink if they stayed to check out his show, so they agreed.

PYTHON: "Charlie, what radio station do you listen to?"

CHARLIE: "Oh I don't listen to no radio no more. I'm a bluesman. Ain't nobody on the radio play the songs I wanna hear."

BIZZ: "I feel the same way, Charlie. The radio sucks."

CHARLIE: "At one time I thought the radio had a lotta soul. But that was probably before you two kids was even born."

BIZZ: "You know, it's funny. I used to think of great radio and great music kind of as the same thing. But for sometime now when I think of great music I don't even think of radio. In fact, I hardly ever listen to radio anymore."

PYTHON: "That's cuz you're getting old." (Python looked at Charlie, realizing he might have just insulted the old man) "Sorry. I didn't mean..."

CHARLIE: "I know what you meant. You're just some young punk that ain't even faced no devil. Someday you'll be old too and you'll be singin' the blues just like I'm about to do. Now just sit down and watch me play so I can show you I ain't just some old fool."

Charlie played blues for three hours. Python left early because he said he had to get ready for his show. But Bizz stayed for the whole set and was really impressed.

BIZZ (clapping): "Charlie, you're incredible. Now that's some real music."

CHARLIE: "I'm glad you liked it. What happened to yo' friend?"

BIZZ: "He's just some dumb ass that had to work at some pathetic radio station."

CHARLIE: "So that's why you boys was talkin' so much about radio."

BIZZ: "Yeah I actually used to work at that same station."

CHARLIE: "Now you got me curious. How come the radio sound the way it do...like it ain't got no soul?"

BIZZ: "I don't know. I used to think it was awesome and that it had a lot of soul. But then Congress passed some stupid law that allowed the big companies to take over and now it's not even about music. It's just about how many commercials you can get away with playing."

CHARLIE: "That's funny. You make it sound like the dee-jays got nothin' to do with what they play."

BIZZ: "They don't. They all have to follow a playlist that's put together by a music director or a program director. And then sometimes the program director has to play what the general manager wants or even what some corporate VP wants. But then those people only want to play what a consultant or independent record promoter wants, because supposedly those are the people who bring the station something of some kind of value that comes from the record labels. But no matter what the station plays if the audience doesn't like it then they're not gonna listen so I guess in the end it comes down to what the listener wants...in theory. So I guess it's the listener who controls the music...but...now that I think of it it's the record labels that control the universe of choices and radio is simply a filter."

CHARLIE: "Now I lost track of half of what you was sayin' but I noticed one thing missin' from that whole gang of people you was namin' off."

BIZZ (puzzled): "What was that?"

CHARLIE: "I realize I ain't no listener but I never thought...even when I used to listen to the radio that I was in control of nothin' except maybe changin' the damn station. I always thought that...even though I thought dee-jays played what they wanted...that when I listened to the radio...(pause)...that it was the music that controlled the artists who controlled the music...that a station didn't need no announcer anyway... but if artists didn't make no records...and if those records wasn't based on music in the first place...then there wouldn't be no music on the radio."

BIZZ (stopping for a moment to try to comprehend all the double, even triple negatives that Charlie was throwing out): "You know...you're right. But no artist gets to decide that the radio's gonna play their song."

CHARLIE: "That's not really what I mean. I know that no radio station is gonna play my song because I don't fit no formula. And I don't even think it's the artist who comes up with the formulas that radio will play. See, music has a spirit of its own. And that spirit flows through the artist. No artist just knows how to play guitar the day he is born. The artist has to learn that spirit. But just cuz someone plays guitar good don't mean music wants to make that artist shine. Sometimes when all these money people you talkin' bout get involved... and I know this...the spirit moves away. Money might need music but music don't need money. And when the spirit says goodbye all you is left with is just a damn lie. It might sound like music. But if it don't feel like music, then it ain't. And if the radio is just playin' lie after lie, it don't have no power to make nobody listen."

BIZZ (long pause): "That's interesting...but on the one hand you say that music doesn't need money, yet on the other hand you had to bribe me to listen to your music by buying me a drink (Bizz starts laughing)."

CHARLIE: "Son, you missed my point, but that's okay cuz I'm gonna buy you anotha drink just to prove to you that I ain't no false fool."

The two men continued to drink and talk until the bar closed. Bizz walked home still trying to put together in his head what Charlie was talking about. When he got home he concluded that the old man was just rambling. He decided to go to sleep to the radio. He figured the new Cheesburger format would put him to sleep instantly, which actually happened.

CHEESEBURGER: "We've listened to you and we've done what you've told us. No more stupid DJs or bad music. Just continuous soft hits all the time. And that's a promise."

Then there was silence. The automation had malfunctioned again, but it didn't really matter this time. Since nobody listened to the station anymore, no one knew that the station went dead.

The End

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