TANGENT SUNSET CLUELESS RADIO by Alex Cosper

Clueless Radio is a fictional story about an alternative station failing in ratings and sales but experiences occasional flashes of success. At one time the station had great ratings and dominated the market but a new regime with a new focus has erased the station's influence in the market. What could they be doing that is so wrong?

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Chapter 5: "A Stiff Can Go A Long Way"

On Monday Bizz did the morning show by himself, promising "a new choice in the morning." He played lots of music and some of what he said was even kind of funny. About ten people who said they remembered Bizz from the "old Clueless" called in to welcome him back. He brought in an old friend named Sherbert to do middays. Bobby was moved to overnights to fill the other open slot. Bizz spent much of the day on the phone talking to industry people at trade magazines, record labels, record stores and the local press. Bizz certainly did not have the ego the size of his predecessor Tim Jarz, but it was starting to inflate a little.

Bizz told all the labels that he was freezing the playlist this week. Most of the reps understood and said something like "well, listen to my record for next week." Bizz didn't bother calling Mike Stornley, who was expecting the Mr. Peroxide add, because he didn't already know Mike and it seemed like an obscure label. Bizz had no idea that Jarz had promised the add before getting blown out.

On Tuesday when adds were reported to the industry, Mike noticed that Clueless was reporting no adds and also that Mr. Peroxide had no adds, which would seal its fate as an over-with record. Stornley was furious. He called the station asking for Jarz. The receptionist transferred him to Bizz.

"I was surprised you haven't reported the Mr. Peroxide add yet," said a livid Mike Stornley.

"I'm sorry, I don't understand," said Bizz. "We're freezing this week."

"Last week your station committed to my record and we were expecting the add!"

"That's news to me," said Bizz. "I don't know what Tim Jarz promised you, but he doesn't work here anymore. I'm the new PD."

"So what are you going to do to fix this situation?"

"I guess we can talk about it for next week?"

"Next week...huh? I need the add today. I was promised the add, I was expecting the add and I've already been given a bonus for the add. Can't you see that the wheels have already been set in motion for this to go through? Now you still have an hour to report it, please take care of it!"

Bizz suddenly felt pressured, which didn't feel good. He didn't like to be told what to do, especially by label people. "Look," he said firmly. "I was told by my boss not to add anything this week. Apparently Jarz never cleared the decision with upper management, which is sad, but from now on things are going to be done right. I will never promise anyone an add again before Tuesday."

"Well, can you put me through to Heichman? He needs to know about this."

"I prefer you deal with me when it comes to music. Now look, I told all the labels today that we're not adding anything. I would look like a liar to everyone if I suddenly added a record."

"Listen!" Mike shouted. "I'm not gonna let you hurt the relationship with this label. I don't want to be the one to cut record service from you, but..."

"But if you do," joked Bizz, "we'll never be able to add any of your records again because we'll never get to hear them." Bizz was usually polite but not when he was being pressured on the phone by someone he didn't even know.

"Oh you're gonna be a wise guy, eh? You're really shooting this relationship to hell. Are you sure you can handle this job?"

"Ooh. Ouch. Buddy, I'm gonna have to tell it like it is. You're not my boss, and I'm not a robot. I don't ever have to play any of your records. In fact I'm not going to play your obscure records ever again unless you send me a written apology for acting unprofessional." Bizz slammed down the phone. Then he quickly ran to Heichman's office and pounded on the door. "It's Bizz, we need to talk," he shouted. He stepped inside and told the GM what just happened and how Heichman might be getting a call soon from Mike Stornley.

"This is a fine mess Jarz has gotten us into," said Heichman. "And our consultant...where was he when this was unfolding? In fact, where is he now? He should be here helping us map out a strategy."

"I talked with him over the weekend. He said since we're not adding anything he wouldn't be in until later in the week."

"Setting his own agenda, huh? Taking extended days off...I'm beginning to see a pattern."

Just then the receptionist buzzed Heichman with Mike Stornley on hold. "Tell him to call back in ten minutes," Heichman ordered. He then asked Bizz, "now why do we need to play this record?"

"We don't," said Bizz, determined to keep the record off the air. "No one else in the country is playing the record. Besides, I've heard it and it's not very good."

Heichman had his finger on his chin trying to work out a solution. "What kind of promotion is the label doing for this record?"

"I don't know, we never talked about it. But who cares? I told all the labels no adds this week, just as you told me. It would hurt our credibility with the industry if we added anything."

"I'm not worried about that," said Heichman, "because credibility is merely a perception and perceptions can always be changed."

Bizz looked horrified as Heichman told him "everything will be okay." Like, what exactly was that supposed to mean? About five minutes later Bizz was back in his office working while Heichman took Stornley's call.

"We have a little problem here," said the promo man. "Your ex-PD promised us an add last week and your new PD isn't following through and he's trying to put the responsibilty on you, Wally. This is a big deal because if the record doesn't get added in the next half hour, then the record is dead in the water. This record is the label's priority for the quarter. This is a slowly developing project that we believe will be huge if we keep getting adds every week. We've put nearly a half million dollars behind this project in promotion alone. But if we don't get adds, it'll look like it's over to even the fifteen stations that have been on this record since the beginning. Wally, we need this record. Please do this for me. We've known each other for years and I've never asked for a favor this big before. My job is on the line here. I will do anything for this add, you name it. Please, Wally, just do it for me."

Heichman remembered how Mike always took care of him with limo rides and fancy restaurants. "Look," the GM said sympathetically, "I know my new PD isn't going to like this, but we'll add the record."

Mike screamed with excitement. He praised Heichman with accolades and reiterated his promise to be there if he ever needed anything.

After the conversation Heichman called Bizz in to break the news. "I know I told you we were not adding any records this week but I feel we have to do this for Mike. Even though it's wrong that Jarz let this get out of control and didn't clear the decision with Paneela or me, we have to think about our relationships with the labels. I want you to call the trades and report the record."

Bizz nearly choked as he looked at the clock. If he could stall for just 45 minutes he might miss the report deadline. Maybe a long-winded philospophical debate could solve the problem.

"Adding this record, would be a big mistake," Bizz began. "I've listened to this record a bunch of times and it still sucks as bad as the first time I heard it. Nobody's playing it. It's not a hit and it doesn't look like it's going to be one. None of the stations that do well are even touching it. We've got to start playing some hits. I looked at our list and it may be tight with 15 songs but it doesn't look good. It doesn't sound very good either. We need a certain amount of spice, but the Mr. Peroxide record doesn't even qualify for spice. It's just a tune-out. We need to clear the marginal stuff off the air, play the hits and mix in some good spice. That's how I got us all those great books."

"Now wait a minute, stop right there," said Heichman. "Let's not stray too far from the facts. First of all, we became a very successful station as a result of years of my hard work building this station. Now I don't recall you putting up the capital or putting together a legal team or an engineering study or filing with the Commission. You're not the one who had to take these risks, I did. Now as far as programming, which certainly contributed to our ratings success, I hired you to carry out my plan."

Bizz was a little surprised to hear how Heichman really felt. He had actually thought all these years that Heichman credited him for the success. "Right," said Bizz, pretending to agree. "But if you notice, ever since I left the music has changed. We used to be the hottest station in town. You'd see hot-looking women wearing our T-shirts at concerts. People were always talking about us because they liked the music and the jocks. Clueless doesn't have a buzz anymore because the music doesn't reflect the market. In fact, I don't know what it reflects."

"You're entitled to your opinion," responded Heichman, who loved to debate because in his mind he was a master of persuasion and could crush any opponent. "But I think if you look at the pattern, we've been falling in the ratings due to lack of leadership. Now this is just between you and me, but I think our consultant has been slacking off."

"Honestly," said Bizz, "I think the station would be better off without him."

Heichman issued a long pause with his forefinger on his lips and then spoke. "I agree."

"Let's face it, Wally, I know the music. We don't need anyone else telling us what to play," said Bizz, thinking he was gaining momentum.

"Well, we all have our theories, Bizz. Let's focus on our immediate goals and right now my immediate goal is to report the Mr. Peroxide record."

"Look," protested Bizz. "I thought when you hired me we had a clear understanding that I would be in charge of the music. Not a consultant, not you, not label people...just me."

Heichman started to get angry. "What, you think you run this place?"

"No, I didn't say that."

"Well, what are you saying then, that I can't have programming input on my station?"

Bizz realized he had stumbled onto the wrong topic. Now he had to keep Heichman from losing his temper. "I'm sorry, Wally, I didn't mean to disrespect you. I just thought - "

"I don't mean to cut you off Bizz, but you have to remember this is a different industry since you worked here before. Back in the good ole days I had the luxury of letting you make decisions because I owned the station. Now even I have to answer to a boss. Imagine that?" Heichman's anger seemed to be tranforming into sorrow.

"Well, why did you sell the station?" asked a curious Bizz.

"Because it was deep in debt," revealed Heichman. "The station made lots of money. Problem was, we were living so large that we began to over-extend ourselves a little. Eventually we did everything on credit. It just got out of hand. New equipment, new tower, new van, new everything."

"Wait a minute," said a confused Bizz. "Who is we?"

"I mean me," snapped Heichman, starting to look angry again. "Anyway, this is all besides the point. The point is I have to answer to a CEO now and by the way, I wasn't going to tell you until tomorrow but since you're here...our CEO has issued a new policy that goes into effect immediately. Everyone on the staff, yourself included, must take a drug test."

"Why?" asked Bizz.

"Because it's the right thing to do. We don't want anyone who uses drugs to work here."

"But what about you, Wally? You got that D.U.I."

Heichman suddenly had to do a double take. He was shocked. "How did you hear about that?"

"I read it in the newspaper."

"I told that ass-hole Paneela, who supposedly has connections to keep it out of the damn press. I told him last week. You know I'm beginning to think that that guy is good for nothing."

"Actually it was in the paper this morning," Bizz informed Heichman. "Yeah, I was looking in the radio section to see if they said anything about me coming back to Clueless and all they mostly talked about was the news station. But in the very last paragraph it said something like 'Cluessless General Manager G.W. Heichman faces arraignment on several charges including drunk driving.' "

Heichman started to laugh. "It'll all get dismissed, you'll see."

Then Bizz started to laugh. They started cracking jokes about how strict law enforcement and the legal system were. The conversation lasted until five minutes before the add deadline. Heichman, though, also kept his eye on the clock. "We've got five minutes. Now are you going to call or am I?"

"Let's just not add the record," Bizz insisted.

"Alright, Bizz. I'll make the call."

Bizz knew the fight was over. The record was going to be added and he was going to look like a fool, he thought. He wasn't so much bothered by the possibility that the labels would think he was a liar. Bizz was more concerned that the labels, especially Mike's label, would think he wasn't really the guy. It was the same programming paranoia that Jarz felt. From now on everyone was going to go over his head straight to Heichman, he imagined.

"That's okay," said Bizz, losing his first major battle in his first week back. "I'll call it in, even though...ah, never mind."

Bizz knew Heichman didn't care about any reservations he might have. Heichman just wanted to put it behind him so that he could work on the next big issue, which had to do with finding an independent record promoter to work with and just losing Paneela all together. Heichman liked the idea that there were some companies that would give a big chunk of money to a station in exchange for exclusive representation on adds. These promoters were paid by the labels to get records played on radio.

Heichman didn't see anything wrong with an agreement that would give the station a $100,000 promotion budget. Corporate was for it. Besides, it would help Heichman meet quarterly quotas, thereby increasing his bonuses. Clueless had been slipping in revenue the past year. Its annual billing fell from $3 million to $800,000 even though the commercial spot load had tripled. Heichman had to do something to generate quick revenue if he were to have a shot at moving up in the company. Heichman wrote a memo to the CEO saying that math, not music, dictated the direction to take at this point.

End of Chapter 5. Continue to Chaper 6.

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